Step 1: THE NAME OF THE CULT/ORGANISATION
First things first: you need a name that screams, “I know how to make money.” Let’s call it something like “The Infinite Abundance Ministry” or “The Divine Wealth Exchange Program.” It needs to sound like it’s been endorsed by the universe… and the credit card company. Remember, the more vague and grandiose, the better. People love it when they don’t fully understand what they’re signing up for.
Step 2: MISSION AND OBJECTIVES
Now, you need to figure out why you’re doing this. Simple: it’s all about helping people achieve their dreams. Their dreams of handing over their money to you, of course. Help them manifest that Ferrari, that beach house, that Instagram-perfect life—all while you sit back, relax, and let the donations roll in.
Step 3: MEMBERSHIP
This is a no-brainer. Anyone can join, as long as they have a credit card and an unwavering belief that you have all the answers to life’s problems (and their financial ones, specifically). Questions? Oh, you mean “logical” questions? We don’t do logic here, we do faith and financial contributions.
Step 4: DEITIES
Why bother with your basic, run-of-the-mill gods when you can invent your own? Picture this: “The God of Retail Therapy” or “The Goddess of New Cars and Shopping Sprees.” These deities are all about wealth, self-care, and treating yourself like you’ve won the lottery every time you open a bottle of champagne. The more materialistic the deity, the better.
Step 5: PROPHETS
You know how every cult has that one person who claims to be “the chosen one”? That’s you, obviously. You’re the prophet. You’ve got all the answers. The universe whispered to you last night, or maybe it was the pizza delivery guy, but who cares, you’re now the chosen vessel to lead people to financial freedom... via generous donations.
Step 6: SACRED WRITINGS
Throw out your Bible, Torah, or whatever your average person considers sacred. The holy book here is called “How to Manifest Riches Like a Professional” and it’s 100% full of recycled quotes from Pinterest and Instagram influencers. Bonus points if you write it in big, bold, font to make it look “divinely inspired.” The more pages, the better—they’ll think it's more legit.
Step 7: PSALMS
Forget psalms about peace and love. We’re chanting about financial blessings, self-care days, and how to get rich without actually working that hard. Here’s an example: “Money flows to me like a river... into my PayPal account.” Repeat it three times and bam, you’re manifesting your new yacht.
Step 8: RITUALS
Every morning, you need a ritual. It’s simple: wake up, get your latte, light a scented candle, and send out a few inspirational tweets about how “The Universe” is watching over everyone—as long as they donate. You can’t start the day without burning a little incense for good vibes (and also because it’s trendy). Pro tip: You’ll get bonus points for having “mystical” symbols on your ritual candles, even though they were probably bought at the local arts and crafts store.
Step 9: FIND YOUR FOLLOWERS
Now, how do you get people to join? Easy. Find those people who are in a midlife crisis or desperately seeking purpose. They’ll be prime candidates for your ‘enlightenment.’ Convince them that they can have it all: the career, the car, the private jets (once you hit a certain level of ‘donation’), and they’ll be lining up to throw money at you. Make sure to include vague promises like, “Just trust me and the universe will show you the way!”
Step 10: PREACH
Start preaching the gospel of you and your vision of a luxurious life. Teach your followers how their financial freedom is just a small payment away. “Don’t worry, I’ll lead you to enlightenment… after you donate, of course. Oh, and be sure to tithe—10% is the minimum if you want to ‘level up.’” Oh, and remind them: if they don’t get on board, they’re basically doomed to live a life of mediocrity. You know, the usual cult talk.
Step 11: FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTIONS
Let’s be real, this is the fun part. You need money to make the magic happen. When people ask how they can contribute, tell them, “Oh, just donate whatever feels right. But, you know, $5000 gets you into the VIP ‘Manifest Your Dream House’ club.” Offer “special packages” for those who want to level up—you know, like how to buy the biggest house in the neighborhood or how to pull off a luxury vacation without looking like you're trying too hard. If they can’t afford it, that’s okay—just tell them to keep “manifesting” while you live your best life.
Step 12: SIT BACK AND RELAX
Congratulations! You’re now the leader of your very own cult—uh, I mean, religion. Time to sit back, enjoy the view from your private island, and check your bank account as it miraculously grows with each follower who thinks they’re manifesting their own dreams. Sure, you’ll have some haters who say it’s all a scam or a cult, but hey, they're probably just jealous of your 12th luxury car. Who’s going to stop you when you’re living your best life in a 5-star resort in the Maldives?
Now it’s time to enjoy the perks: luxury cars, private jets, and that vacation home on the beach that you’ve been talking about for years.
---
So, you’ve done it. You’re now an international leader of your own “spiritual movement,” and all you had to do was convince people to believe in you (and generously donate). Now, sit back, relax, and let the donations roll in. The followers are lining up, the financial blessings are pouring in, and it turns out… everyone wants to get rich and spiritually enlightened at the same time. Go ahead, live your best life—while making everyone else believe they can too.
You’re living large while they’re manifesting their way to their third car payment. Isn’t life great?
---
There you go! I hope this helped to bring out the ridiculousness in starting a “religion” for profit, with a generous helping of sarcasm. What do you think? Ready to get your own island?
No comments:
Post a Comment